Where my head is at

It has been a little while since I took a break from the daily collage blogging. At first, it was such a relief, and I am still thanking the bloggy Gods for sending Daniel Lee in to help! Then, I went on a week vacation and it was easy to not think of the clearinghouse...Now I have returned and I have done some mind sorting. I decided to write a little explanation of where my thoughts have turned over the last weeks and share some things that are more personal. I will bare some of my soul, but at least you will understand.
I don't know why this happens, but I must suffer from some sort of bombardment disease. I am fine and can do my own thing for a long time, but we all get that urge to surf the net. It's freakin' great! All the new stuff to see, new techniques, peoples' studios. Collaboratives, cooperatives, art sites, community, flickr, live journal. Blogs, galleries projects and news groups. It's all so lush and full of wondrous things I want to try, things I did try....And after awhile I am addicted to looking at it all. It's like a living magazine in front of me everyday that has changing content all tailored to me! I can view books today, collage tomorrow, and supplies after that.
But I am a sensitive individual, and it's something that I am only lately learning about myself. I get overwhelmed by all the information, the groups, the ideas...and eventually I am left with some very poor feelings. Some of them I am not proud of and they include jealousy for example. I get jealous of others and their progress, their notoriety, their galleries, their talents... It is insidious, I hate jealousy, but it eats at me in little doses and slowly it takes the enthusiasm out of what I do. I end up overwhelmed and insignificant. I end up not wanting to do any art at all. Unfortunately, this blog is part of that bombardment disease. I look up stuff for my own use, for your reading, to keep the blog alive, and then I end up depressed slowly, as I realize my smallness. I know we all have egos, we all have that urge to excel. I always had dreamed that I would do something important, my art would matter, and that somehow it was destined for me to be great. Well, as age keeps coming and my years are counted in bigger numbers, I start to realize the folly of that thinking. The internet reinforces these negative attitudes and before I know it I just can't do it anymore. I am probably not doing anything great. I am probably not going to do anything new and fascinating to anyone but myself! I am what I am and that is all.
I believed that collage was an art, not a craft. I believed that it was something special to be able to spin a tale with papers. Then reality again set in. Collage is viewed by many--even me at times-- as a secondary art, and copyright laws infringe upon our creativity. It's a very plagued medium in my mind, and I wince as I spend countless hours collecting, sorting, and pasting papers from every corner of my world. For what???? Certainly not to get famous at this point, and definitely not for money. I've been published 5 times and participated in a documentary on film. None of them paid me anything!! But I sure felt good.

I do art because I like to. I like to make something out of nothing. I like the little books I can make. I like the art on my homes' walls. I don't imagine anymore about who I think I am going to be, and now I am spending some time just being who I am.
That means less blog posts on other artists. In order for me to preserve my own semi-sensitive identity, I just can't immerse myself in others' work daily! That puts a hurtin on this ole clearinghouse scene, and I am sorry about that. I didn't realize how this path would turn out, or how it would affect me personally. I am considering starting another blog that is more personal, about me, about my art, and less about other people. I don't know ...I have read a lot of blogs lately and they have become so interesting and some people have the coolest posts, the coolest blog design, they sell stuff from the blog...it is endless. Even in blogging I feel competition, although it is subtle. I guess I just have trouble with my own confidence. I will keep on trying to beat it down and the best way I can do it is to keep on my own path, doing my own thing. That's a hard thing to do when you keep watching over your shoulder to see what everyone else is doing.