It's odd to feel like a stranger on your own blog. However, that's the story today as I take things into my hands and attempt to write here. I feel the rust between my fingers crumbling into the keyboard as I pull myself here to try to make up for lost time.
There's these wonderful people, like Clint Chadsey, who went out of his way to send me the most awesome packet of collage work; and Planet Susannia who also sent me a wad of art to drool on. These gifts bestowed with art love from comrades that I have not yet met...they are treasures that touched my heart and made me stop in my tracks. I wanted to run upstairs to the studio and pour out work like a machine, and send out wonderful packets in return! I wanted to write huge blog posts recommending their work and scan their pieces and show everyone the collage love that I received.
But I didn't.
It's not like I personally am suffering from anything other than the usual inflation, dissatisfaction with politics, and the like. It's me watching everything around me change and grind to a halt. It's the For Rent signs in downtown building windows in every upstate NY town from here to Albany, and from there to Syracuse. It's the slow sales at my fiancé's antique store...It finally has gotten to me. The economy has finally hit me. I have had to take on duties at my day job that require a lot more concentration with the same pay in order to keep that paycheck coming. I have had to step it up for my man Chris, and start helping him during his antique shows, at his store, and now online on his blog-Facebook-Twitter. I have had moments to myself, I admit, and altho I wanted to go upstairs and create, the need to pitch in and help seemed stronger. It's as tho my time has a dollar sign attached to it at the moment, and any deviation into personal enjoyment, creativity or reflection has been denied by the need to make a living. My conscience gets bothered when I sit upstairs cutting papers and painting, when Chris is working 15 hours a day and not getting any sleep worrying about our bills. How can I create?
I am not complaining, mind you! I am simply stating the facts of how it is in the great United State of Julie. I WANT to make. I want to make something. I have tons of really good new photos, and I even think I can see in my mind a new departure for some collage work. However, when the back of my brain is pounding about how we did the Cooperstown Art Show this weekend and how I am supposed to be blogging for Chris about it --hopefully to drum up some new customers and sales-- it's really hard to blog or create without feeling guilty. Like my time is wasted unless I can produce.
I hate that. I hate that to the inner portions of my heart. But I can't seem to stop this horrid feeling that I need to keep busy and pay off any and all debt and do my best to keep Chris' store afloat. I know that our debt is not overwhelming but I am scared of our future country's economy. Scared of how it could get worse. And somehow I feel like I am escaping it all by creating and it just isn't working for me at the moment. I feel the need to help. Not escape.
I am so grateful to Steven for taking up some of the lapses for me. I can't make excuses for my lack of content. But please understand I am busy working in life, trying to make ends meet. Hopefully the oppression I feel will end soon, and I can go up to that table and pour these new feelings out there where they can be more productive!
My blogging days are not over, but perhaps they are overshadowed by oil spills and global disaster in our oceans, credit cards, slow economy and my attempts to keep alive through it all.
Summer love to you all.